


More than you know

by poppynightin



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst, Blood, Fluff, Jealous Violet, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-06 02:54:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11027112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poppynightin/pseuds/poppynightin
Summary: "But Katya has a boyfriend or whatever he is and Violet feels her anger coming to the surface again. She flips them over so that’s she’s on top and leans down to bite into Katya’s shoulder hard. Katya hisses in pain and looks at Violet, confused by her sudden change of mood."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t even know how or why this thing here came about. Honestly. I was meant to write the next chapter for ‚My loneliness is killing you‘ but somehow the fan fiction gods lead me here. When I started typing I literally had zero idea where I was going with it so this ended up being somehow kept down love, some flashbacks, a lot of anger, a lot of fluff, jealous Violet, confused Katya, angry sex, light blood play and bad communication… not in that order. (Yes, I got all that into 2,4k)  
> I hope you enjoy? xx
> 
> Violet/Katya; she/her; kinda out of Drag (like 1/3 drag maybe?)
> 
> TW: blood I guess (sounds worse than it is)

“You know, for just having said that you’re dating and that it’s starting to get serious you were very easy to convince to come with me,“ Violet laughs while closing Katya’s hotel room door behind herself.

Katya rolls her eyes. “Shut the fuck up, Violet.” Her voice sounds annoyed and Violet isn’t sure but she thinks that’s there’s also a hint of uncertainty to it. Then Violet walks to where Katya stands and Katya grabs her roughly and throws her onto the bed. Violet loves it when she is a bit rough with her. Right now however, she seems downright angry; if she is angry at herself or at Violet or maybe both, Violet doesn’t know. 

She can’t blame her though, she is kind of angry too. Technically she doesn’t have the right to be angry but that doesn’t stop her. She saw Katya today for the first time in months and Violet had been excited but then Katya just had to ruin it again. They had _just_ somehow recovered from Violet’s irrational behavior last year. 

-

Well, it was only irrational to Katya really, it had made perfect sense to Violet to simply never reply or even talk to Katya for a few months. At least not until she had gotten over her crush or whatever it was on Katya that surely was only born out of the fact that they had been hooking up so regularly and that Katya was also her friend and that Violet also already had had a crush on her while they were on Drag Race. It wasn’t even a real crush she had kept on telling herself, it couldn’t be. This was her friend Katya, just her friend. 

So Violet didn’t want to make things more complicated than they had to be which was why she ultimately had decided to ignore Katya for a short while until her feelings for her had vanished.

The plan had sounded pretty easy in Violet’s head. It’s not like her and Katya were working with each other after BOTS anyway. What she hadn’t calculated into her plan though was the fact that Katya was relentlessly sending her texts with incorrect quotes ( _“Feeling like pussy, feeling like cunt“-Hillary Clinton; “This is my hair, I don’t wear wigs“-Donald Trump; “That’s a rash, not a herpes sore“-Wladimir Wladimirowitsch Putin_ ).

Violet never replied but always read them with a dumb, fond smile on her face. Violet had expected Katya to stop sending them after Violet’s third non reply but instead she just started sending them more frequently. It was easy to ignore them, Violet wouldn’t even have known what to reply with even if she wasn’t ignoring Katya.

 

But then one day in the early morning hours a heartbreaking _‘Have I done something wrong? You never reply anymore‘_ came in and two minutes later _’I miss you‘_ and Violet had almost started crying in the club.

Instead she had gone outside and had called Katya and made up some lame excuse about being busy that neither of them believed. Violet had always been a horrible liar. Katya had let it go anyway and they had gone back to a somewhat friendship. But Violet could tell that she had hurt Katya and the guilt was killing her. When they had seen each other again it had been awkward but they somehow slowly but surely had gotten back to normal.

They never once talked about Violet’s strange behavior or all the hook ups or the few nights that were spend in each others arms or all the secrets they had shared in the dusky hours before night turns into day. All her favorite conversations were always made in those early morning hours, especially if they were with Katya lying in bed next to her smiling; smiling at her with a smile Violet had never seen before or after those short hours.

Being around Katya again without hooking up had been harder than Violet had expected. So she had called Katya almost daily in the hopes of being able to out-friendship the sexual tension between them. Maybe if they would be really emotionally close they wouldn’t be attracted to each other anymore, all the mystery would be gone.  
That plan had worked out way better in Violets head. In reality it had brought them here: both angry and about to have sex. 

The reason for Violet’s anger is approximately 300 miles away and is named Craig. Katya had told her that she had started dating while fiddling with her hands, not looking Violet into the eyes. Which was fine, just _fine_. But then Katya had told her that she had been going out with the guy for six weeks now, a fact she hadn’t mentioned when they had been talking on the phone last week, or the week before that, or the week before that one. The point was, there had been plenty of chances for Katya to mention him to Violet, but she didn’t. She couldn’t have forgotten by accident as it was the first thing she said to Violet after they had greeted each other today. Violet had been thankful for the fact that she was in drag, her facial expressions where easier to hide with heavy make up on.

And even though she smiled at Katya and told her that she was happy for her, she had still gone on stage angry and had dragged Katya around a corner after the show to push her against a wall and shoved her tongue down her throat. The fact that Katya had kissed her back had been both surprising and exciting.

-

And the fact that Violet is still here now, in Katya’s hotel room, without wig and with both her and Katya’s lipsticks smeared around her face is simply mind boggling. 

Katya is crawling onto the bed leaning into Violet.

“I’m going to fuck you like a giraffe you fucking bitch,“ she growls.

“My body is ready,“ Violet smirks.

Katya is on top of her now and kisses her roughly while pushing her hips into Violet’s. And even through the material of her jeans Violet can tell that she’s hard. Even though she is glad that Katya is here and that she should just let it go, she can’t get the guy Katya is dating out of her head. She flips them over and starts pressing her ass against Katya’s crotch.

“What’s so great about this guy anyway?“ Violet says and Katya’s hands leave Violet’s hips and she looks at her with an unreadable expression. Violet doesn’t care, she won’t be stopping unless Katya pushes her off of her or asks her to leave and right now she isn’t doing either. So she just starts moving her hips and feels Katya’s erection pressing against her ass.

“Can he make you feel like this? Does he want you like I do?“ she says while Katya closes her eyes and leans her head back. Her hands are still on the bed instead of on Violet but she is moaning now and that’s enough for Violet to keep going.

She leans down so that her mouth is on Katya’s ear. “Tonight I’m only thinking about you. Tonight I only want you.” She softly licks over Katya’s neck before biting into the skin there. She hears Katya hiss and feels her hands on her hips again a second later. Katya flips them over, and roughly removes Violet’s clothes.

“Get that smug grin off of your face,“ she demands while removing her own clothes. Violet smirks, pulls her back in and kisses her.

Violet doesn’t mean for it to happen but somehow the kiss is soft and before she knows they’ve been kissing a moment too long. Katya’s hand strokes through Violets hair and the kiss is sweet and gentle and it’s confusing so Violet flips them over again. She can’t have those feelings coming back, she can’t make this more complicated than it has to be again. This is just sex. With Katya. Katya whom she may or may not still has lingering feelings for.

She starts pressing her body against Katya’s again, feeling both their hard dicks between them. Katya let’s Violet move against her for a few moments, groaning, head leaned back, eyes closed, before flipping them over again. It’s half a wrestling match, half sex at this point.

She reaches to her bag next to the bed and pulls out lube and condoms. She lubes up one finger and pushes it inside Violet and Violet feels her toes curling. Katya isn’t exactly gentle with Violet and before she knows it there are three fingers inside her, moving for a moment before scissoring her for a little while. Violet can’t keep her moans down and this is going to be over too soon if Katya keeps going. 

Violet looks at Katya through hooded eyes. “That’s enough now,“ she brings out between moans. Katya pulls her fingers out and strokes both her hands over Violets sides once.

"You’re so beautiful,“ she whispers with a smile and Violet pulls her in even though she knows she shouldn’t, shouldn’t let feelings cloud her judgement. But Katya smiled at her. She smiled at her with _that_ smile Violet hasn’t seen since some early morning somewhere in Europe. 

Maybe she had lied to herself and never actually gotten over her crush on Katya. She pulls her closer to herself and Katya’s head is on Violet’s shoulder, her lips are on her neck and Violet can feel her hot breath on her skin and closes her eyes for a moment. She can feel Katya’s heart beating on her own chest. She moves her hand through Katya’s short hair a few times and presses her face into Katya’s neck and inhales her scent. They’re naked and their erections are trapped between their bodies and they’re kind of hugging and Violet thinks how strange this it but she cant bring herself to let go of Katya yet. 

When she finally does, Katya kisses her again for a moment and then pulls away and they look at each other unsure and Violet can see Katya swallow hard. 

“Ready?” Katyas voice is barely over a whisper and she looks at Violet with a smile. _That_ smile again and Violet feels warm at the sight of it.

“Yes,” Violet whispers back and let’s her thumb stroke over Katya’s bottom lip briefly.

Katya pushes into Violet and they both groan. When she starts moving, Katya is looking at her so softly that Violets heart starts beating faster. 

But Katya has a boyfriend or whatever he is and Violet feels her anger coming to the surface again. She flips them over so that’s she’s on top and leans down to bite into Katya’s shoulder hard. Katya hisses in pain and looks at Violet, confused by her sudden change of mood. Violet moves back and starts bouncing on Katyas dick with force. Her movements are harsh and aggressive and she knows she’s going to be sore in the morning. But Katya is groaning and her dick is big and hard inside Violet and it’s hitting all the right spots. 

And she’s angry, so angry with Katya and with herself and she doesn’t even know exactly why but she has to let it out. She puts her hands on Katya’s chest and digs her fingers into it forcefully. Katya is going to have bruises and scratch marks there but Violet doesn’t care. She wants to punish her and isn’t even sure what for.

Suddenly Katya’s hands are on Violet’s hips and she digs into them to flip them over so she is on top again. Katya’s hands stay firmly on Violets hips and push them into the mattress, disallowing Violet to move. And then she starts thrusting again. 

Now, Katya has never been soft or gentle while fucking Violet but this is downright aggressive and for a split second Violet isn’t sure if it’s more pain than pleasure but then Katya adjusts her position and Violet moans at the sensation.

Katya leans down to Violet and Violet thinks how strange kissing her would feel right now while they are basically hate fucking but then Katya bites into her lip with so much force that Violet can taste blood. Katya leans back slightly and looks at Violet with dark eyes while Violet can feel the blood on her chin. Katya leans down again and her tongue licks the blood off of Violets face. It feels dirty and forbidden and Violet isn’t sure if she ever has been this turned on. 

She pulls Katya’s lips onto hers and kisses her roughly while digging her fingers into her ass. She can taste and feel the blood in both of their mouths and it’s weirdly arousing.

Katya breaks the kiss leans back and plunges in and out of Violet hard again and again and they’re both moaning and groaning. It feels good, so good that Violets mind feels foggy and she’s so close she might faint if she won’t get off soon. She doesn’t know how Katya is holding out this long but Violet notices that her thrusts are slightly less hard than moments before. Katya moves one of her hands and starts pumping Violet’s cock and Violet has been close that even this small touches send her over the edge and she unloads between both of them. Katya keeps pounding into Violet but her thrusts get less intense each time and only a short moment passes and Violet feels Katya come inside her. 

She pulls out and rolls off of her. Both of them lie next to each other, panting for a moment before Katya grabs the corner of the blanket and wipes Violet’s cum off of her chest. Then she leans over Violet and moves the blanket over her too. Violet watches Katya carefully, trying to read her expression but she can’t. Katya just stares at Violets chest while cleaning it. Once she’s done she throws the condom away and sits down on the bed again. 

Violet turns to lie on her stomach and looks at her. Katya’s back is against the headboard and she has her eyes closed. After a moment she moves again, now lying down, her head on the pillow and rubs her hands over her still closed eyes.

Violet crawls towards her and Katya must’ve heard the rustling of sheets because she opens her arms and Violet drops into them. She let’s her head rest on Katya’s shoulder. 

Katya is lightly stroking over Violet’s hair when she mutters a soft „Fuck…“.

Violet can hear the smile in her voice and lets out a light laugh with Katya joining in a moment later. When their laughing dies down, Katya looks at her with that smile and leans down to softly kiss Violet for a moment and Violet feels herself smiling into the kiss. She moves her hand to Katya’s stomach once they break the kiss and draws lazy circles there. 

“Yeah…. Fuck,“ she says softly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Violet is scared because Katya is dangerous for her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the requested Part 2 for ‚More than you know‘.. Just not in the way it was requested… I don’t have much to say about this, just that this came from a very personal place. I hope you’ll enjoy this. xx

She wakes up and immediately knows that something is wrong. The room is quiet. Too quiet. Violet looks next to her and Katya's side of the bed is empty. The blanket is slightly crumpled but Violet has slept next to Katya before and she knows that with how much Katya moves when she's fast asleep there was no way the blanket could look like that. She wonders if Katya has even slept at all.

She gets out of the bed slowly, afraid of what she will find, or rather not find. But she was right. All of Katya's bags are gone and there is no make up spilled out on the counter in the bathroom anymore. 

She walks back to the bedroom and looks around once more, this time spotting a small piece of paper on the bedside table on Katya's side.

"Hotel room is paid for. Keys on the nightstand. Check out till 11."

The message is so short and emotionless and unlike Katya that Violet finds herself flipping the piece of paper around to see whatever she wrote on the back. But the page is blank. Violet is so confused she flips the piece of paper around twice more. Then she reads the message again in case she missed something. Then she gets up to look at her phone that she finds on the nightstand next to her side of the bed where she knows she didn't leave it. 

She walks through the room and scrolls through her notifications and there's messages and a missed call from her mom but nothing from Katya.

She drops back onto a bed from where she stands which happens to be the side Katya slept (or hasn’t slept) on and the pillow smells like her and Violet feels like she might be falling apart just a little bit.

__

She uncharacteristically gives Katya the benefit of a doubt. Maybe she was late for her plane and had to hurry, Violet thinks in the first two hours. Maybe it was an emergency, she thinks after one day. Maybe she just doesn’t care, Violet thinks after two days.

But then three days later she finally does call while Violet is in an airport. But Violet isn't mournful anymore, she is angry now. 

She looks at her phone display, Katya’s name lighting it up. She stares at the display until her name is gone again.  
But apparently Katya is persistent now because her name appears three more time within the next 15 minutes, only interrupted by the incoming texts. Every one either saying ‘i’m sorry’ or ‘call me back when you get this’. Violet thinks about if she actually is petty enough to do it but Katya’s calls and texts are distracting her so she taps on her phone a few times.

20 minutes later Trixie’s name appears on her screen. She looks at it for a moment confused. She's pretty sure that Trixie Mattel has never once called her in her entire life.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?" Violet says into her phone in an annoyed tone.

"Did you seriously block my number?" But it's not Trixie’s voice on the other end, it's Katya's and Violet ends the phone call and blocks Trixie’s number too. She puts her phone into her bag and starts boarding the flight. When she lands, Fame calls her and Violet thinks that she is doing a very good job pretending not to know what is going on when Fame asks her why Katya has called her to tell Violet to call Katya. 

__

And then three weeks later Katya is showing up at Violet’s apartment and Violet’s first impulse is to try to slam the door shut because she does not want to be confronted with Katya right now. Not now not ever. She has checked Katya’s schedule, she knew that she would be in New York, she just hadn’t thought that Katya would have the nerve to actually show up at her door.

They could just not ever talk to each other again and it could be so fucking easy and Violet doesn’t understand why Katya doesn’t get how easy it could be. She even unblocked Katya again to show that she isn't holding a grudge. She doesn’t understand why Katya is still calling her everyday when she never picks up, still texts her when she never replies, shows up at her door when she doesn’t want to see her. 

Katya stops the door from slumming shut again with her foot and looks at Violet with wide eyes. „What the actual fuck Violet?“

Violet wishes that she could've prepared herself for this encounter somehow. She feels defenseless and the fact that she is in only a towel and dripping wet hair is not helping her overall confidence. 

Katya stares at her for a moment and Violet recognizes that hungry look in her eyes and then Katya slowly rolls her suit case into Violet’s apartment and Violet barely has time to wonder what the fuck she thinks she's doing before Katya kicks the door shut and grabs Violet’s face roughly and connects their lips.  
Her hands are on Violet’s hips and she rips the towel off, digging her fingers into her ass. And Violet rips Katya’s jacket off, suddenly filled with lust, while starting to walk backwards. Katya is kicking off her shoes while she's walking and her fingers are still grabbing Violet’s ass. Their kiss is sloppy but it feels so good and Violet is surprised by how much she wants Katya, how much she missed her body on her own. She lets her hands slip under Katya’s shirt and moves them up and down her chest and feels her shudder. She moves her lips off Katya’s and pulls her shirt off of her. Violet pushes her onto the bed and Katya gasps in suprise. Violet pulls her jeans and underwear off in the same fast movement before climbing on top off her to attach her lips back to hers, both their painfully hard erections trapped between them.

Katya is pushing her off of her and forces her on her knees and her face is at Violet’s ass and her tongue is inside her and Violet has to press her face into the pillow to silence her moans. 

Katya is stretching her open and then slaps Violets ass hard. She is leaning down slightly to ask Violet about condoms and lube in a voice so low and sexy Violet needs a moment to gather her thoughts before she answers. 

And then Katya pushes into her and Violet screams and Katya moans.

"So fucking good, fuck Violet." And her mouth is so close to Violets ear and her voice is breathless and she's moaning Violets name and she's fucking Violet so hard and her hand is around Violet’s cock, pumping it and Violet is close, so fucking close and she never wants it to end.

__

But it does end and some part of Violet wonders if this is how it's always going to be from now on; them not talking to each other only to then hook up again and then not talk again and hook up again. And it sounds so fucking tiring. 

And then they're sitting next to each other, staring into their coffees and they are not talking and Violet thinks that it can't really get much worse than this. They don't talk. They never fucking talk anymore. 

And she is tired of shallow chitchat and pretending that they are fine. She's just so fucking tired of it all.

She regrets that she somehow maneuvered herself into this situation. But it was easier to not give into the feelings. It was easier to pretend that she didn't feel different when Katya was around. It was easier to act like this was purely sex. It was easier than to admit that Katya made her want to let all her walls down. 

She regrets it now because she misses her. She misses her when she’s right there. Her leg is leaning onto Violet’s but she feels so far away.

“Ehm,“ she starts and Katya looks at her and Violet closes her mouth again. So much for being brave and risking something that matters. 

But she’s not risking anything at all, she thinks. She can’t risk what they have when they already lost it. And she misses her so fucking much and she misses her laugh and she misses her hand gently playing with Violet’s hair and she misses her voice that was so much softer when talking to Violet in the safety of the night.

She thinks back to the last night they talked, really talked, one particularly misty morning somewhere in an European hotel bed, and how Katya would talk about her favorite movies and how they would talk about their favorite places in the world and all the times they got hurt and how for some hours before dawn it felt like the world made a little more sense. 

Violet blinks away the memory and looks at Katya who is looking back at her and Violet doesn't know how this right here, right now are the same people that laughed and kissed all those months ago.

Violet stands up and starts pacing around the room with Katya's eyes following her. She lets out a deep sigh and fiddles with her hair before turning to Katya.

"The thing is... ehm." And this is a bad idea she thinks, she doesn't know how Katya feels about her and she is insecure and she is once again reminded why she usually puts on her cold bitch exterior.  
But she has to try something. She can’t keep up walking through life, missing Katya and wondering what could’ve been. "So, i might not have treated you very... nicely last year," she speaks again and Katya scoffs but Violet continues. If she doesn't get it out now she never will. "And you might think that I don't care about you or your feelings but like.... ehm... the thing is, it's the opposite."

Katya looks at her with raised eyebrows and Violet thinks that maybe that is a bit too vague. And Katya looks so fucking confused but maybe, also hopeful.  
And Violet realizes how deep this might be, how even while they were still talking, she would always follow with a joke or shade about Katya after gushing about her, afraid that she would never stop if she didn’t.  
And Violet is scared because Katya is dangerous for her heart. But she has a small smile on her face now and maybe, maybe there is a chance that this could work. And she is so afraid because she has never been in this position. But she feels calmer when Katya is around, even now while everything is a mess. But Katya came to her apartment and that has to count for something.

“What I’m trying to say is, I’m different around you. You make me feel different and its fucking weird and its freaking me the fuck out. Because you can be such a fucking psycho sometimes and we met on a fucking reality Tv show and everything is messed up now and its so weird. But I’m at peace when I’m around you.“ Violet huffs lightly. „Even now, even now that everything is so fucking messed up. And it’s not like I’m a different person or anything, I just feel different somehow. Calmer, at peace and… I don’t know.“

“Safe,“ Katya says.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: The final part for ‘More than you know’ has arrived. And it has arrived with 3.9k words. So this could've easily been split into 2 parts but, like Adele, I believe in trilogies. xx

“Safe?“ Violet echoes.

Katya doesn't answer for a moment and instead looks at her hands. “Violet, why did you stop talking to me last year?“

Violet sighs and sits down on the couch. “Because I was scared?“ And it sounds like a question and not like a statement and Violet wants to leave the situation. Part of her hoped that they would just be kissing and laughing if she would start to be a bit more honest but instead they are sitting on the respective ends of Violet’s couch and are apparently going to talk about all the times Violet has fucked up. And she doesn't want Katya to ask all those questions she has no answer to, she doesn't want her to look at Violet different.

“Scared?“ Katya echoes now and their eyes are meeting. “Of me?“

Violet just looks at Katya for a moment, really looks at her but she can't read her emotions. She doesn't want to have this talk but Katya deserves answers. And Violet has plenty of questions too ‘What about Craig?‘ ‚What do you mean ‚safe‘?‘, ‘Why did you leave without saying goodbye when I’m in love with you?‘ but she doesn't dare to ask any of them, too scared of the answers. 

Before Violet can answer, Katya speaks again. “Trixie said that you should stop messing with me and should start getting your shit together and declare your love for me and I said 'she won't be doing that, she's not even answering her fucking phone.'" And Katya sounds angry now but there was no way she could be angrier than Violet.

"Well, Fame says you're in love with me and I said 'That can't be the case, cause Katya left me in a fucking hotel room without. Even. Saying. Goodbye.' now that doesn't sound much like friendship let alone love now does it buttercup?" She spat out. She sees Katya flinch and look at the ground for a moment before looking back at her. They really did do each other dirty, she thinks while she balls her fists to distract herself from the tears pooling in her eyes.

"I called you," Katya whispers and Violet scoffs.

"Three days later, Katya, three days. I sat-" Violet stops herself for a moment, not wanting her voice to crack. She takes a deep inhale before continuing to talk. "I was waiting for your phone call or shit maybe just a text for two entire days, always looking at my phone, always refreshing, even checking if I even had cell service." She wants to sound accusatory but she only sounds hurt. She looks back at Katya who is just looking at the ground again.

“If you wouldn’t have blocked me… then maybe we could’ve talked.“

Violet slightly shakes her head, the tears are really threatening to come out now and she can’t have that happen, it's already messy enough as it is and she doesn’t need to add Katya seeing her cry to that list of fucked up things that happened between them. She gets up from the couch, suddenly needing to get away from her. She keeps her back to the couch and drags her hands over her face before turning back around, she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to feel. There’s so much hurt and confusing and anger and she doesn't know which one to act on.

“Oh yeah? And what would you have said, huh Katya? Please do tell, cause I’m listening now and so far you’re not saying anything,“ and even Violet herself almost flinches at the tone in her own voice, she sounds as cold as ice.

Katya looks at her, hesitant suddenly and Violet feels herself soften. She let’s out another sigh. "I'm sorry, that came out wrong.“

Katya nods at her briefly before letting out a shaky sight. "I would've told you that as soon as I landed in LA, I drove to Craig's house and ended things and when he asked why I said because I had sex with you. And he asked me if I'm in love with you and then there I was, standing in his ugly living room thinking 'Is that what this is? Am I in love with Violet Chachki?'" Katya let's out another sigh and Violet feels her heart beating faster. "And I would've told you that I've been thinking a lot; about hotel rooms, and early mornings and you. Always you." Katya looks at Violet now, a pained expression on her face. "You moaning my name, you laughing, you smiling, you sleeping, you singing in the shower- absolutely horribly may I add?" She let's out a dry laugh before looking at her hands again. "And you, somewhere at some party with some people, always reading my texts and never responding. Not once.“ She keeps her eyes on the ground and when she speaks again her voice is barely over a whisper. “Is the only way you're gonna care if I'm in pain or you're horny?" 

Violet feels a pang in her chest. She hurt her. She hurt badly. She was so busy trying to not let Katya see what she was feeling for her that she did not consider that Katya might have feelings as strong as her own. She knew that ignoring her would hurt Katya when she had made that decision last year. But Katya was Katya and surely she would get over it. Never once did Violet think that they would be in her apartment, almost a year after their whole thing had started with a backstage hookup, and would be talking about having deep feelings for each other. Violet lets out a laugh and then almost wants to slap herself when she sees the hurt and embarrassed look on Katya’s face.

“Glad you’re finding this funny,“ Katya tries to save herself but barely manages.

Violet lets herself fall back onto the couch and tries to ignore the sting in her heart when Katya shifts away from her. Why did this whole thing have to be so messy? “I wasn't laughing at you,“ Violet says while looking at Katya who was avoiding her gaze and was just huffing at Violet’s statement. “I wasn't! I was laughing at the irony?“

“The irony?“ Katya asks.

“The irony of me trying to protect my heart and breaking yours in the process,“ she lets out a dry laugh. “And then not even managing to at least save mine.“

Katya was looking back at her now with furrowed brows but at least she didn't seem to be angry or sad anymore. “What are you saying?“

“I’m saying that for once Trixie fucking Mattel was right about something.“

Katya looks at Violet with wide eyes now. “You’re in love with me?“

“Jup.“ Violet let the p pop and an uncomfortable silence fills the room.

“Huh.“ She looked at Katya who was leaning her head against the back of the couch and staring at the ceiling in utter disbelief. “Fame was right too. Weird.“

“Huh,“ Violet brought out and let her head lean against the couch too. They were sitting on the couch next to each other, both staring at Violet’s ceiling in utter confusion.

A few moments pass before Violet speaks again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the mess I made.“ Her voice is barely over a whisper but she knows that Katya has heard her. 

The thing is Violet really is sorry, that whole thing was on her. She should’ve never ignored Katya after BOTS had ended. They could’ve just stayed friends and sure, Violet would’ve been tortured by seeing Katya date other people but at least she wouldn’t have had to put their friendship at risk. And all that just so that she wouldn't have to admit her feelings to Katya, just so that she wouldn't have to let her behind Violet’s walls.

Katya moves her hand through her hair and avoids eye contact with Violet. “I didn't exactly help with dissolving the mess.“

“You didn’t do anything wrong.“ _Apart from leaving me in a hotel room without calling even though you were supposed to love me._

“I shouldn't have waited three days to call. Hell, I shouldn’t even have left like that. I’m… I’m really sorry.“ She looks at Violet now and they stare into each other eyes for a moment. 

Violet smiles at her slightly and nods. “I know. Thank you.“ She lets out another sigh. “We can’t keep fucking each other up like this.“

“I know. I guess we kind of have to be completely honest with each other from now on if.. I don't know… if we want this to work. I mean, if we do want this to work.“ Her last sentence sounds more like a question and Violet thinks about it. Can she still see something like a relationship with Katya now? A lot has happened, they both hurt each other and there’s a lot they need to figure out. 

But she can still see it. She can still see them.  
Sometime in the future, lying together in bed in the morning, just talking. Sitting together on the couch, laughing. She can still see herself, in the dark of the night, falling asleep next to Katya. She can see it all and it should sound way too domestic and too boring to Violet but it sounds so nice.

“I want this to work.“ And Violet is surprised by the intense sincerity behind her statement. Katya looks back at her, surprised for a moment, but then a soft smile appears on her face, a smile that Violet likes to think is only reserved for her.

“I do too.“ They smile at each other for a moment longer and Violet feels content but there’s still so many open questions. She leans her head back into the couch and feels Katya do the same.

They were in love with each other, they apologized, they want to be together and it should be easy now and not awkward. She heard Katya let out a laugh. “This is so weird, Vi.“

Violet lets out an awkward chuckle and looks at Katya. “Maybe a quick fuck will dissolve the tension.“

Katya lets out another laugh. “Maybe.“ She looks back at Violet after a moment and the smile is gone from her face. “How is supposed to work? I mean, what happens now?“

Violet sighs and looks back at the ceiling. “I don’t know. I thought that in the best case scenario you’d be in love with me to and then everything would magically fall in place?“ 

Katya laughs again. “Yeah, me too. Us awkwardly sitting next to each other was not what I had in mind when I pictured…uh…love confessions.“

Violet turns her face towards Katya and smiles at her. “What did you have in mind then?“

Katya smirks at her. “Maybe some kind of choreographed musical number? And then me fucking you until the shit comes out of your ears?“

Violet lets out a loud laugh. “Again, not too late for the latter.“

“Jesus Christ, Violet. Do you ever think about something else other than sex?“

“Honestly? No. But you brought it up this time,“ Katya just shrugs her shoulders and another silence fills the room but this time it feels more comfortable. That old feeling of her feeling fully at peace and calm around Katya is slowly coming back. The past had been so emotionally challenging and she didn't realize how much it had exhausted her. She locked eyes with Katya again. “So, hypothetically, speaking about you and I in a context that might or might not be able to be considered a relationship from some-“ Katya lets out a snort but Violet continues. “What would that sex situation look like? Because we’re on the road a lot and…“ Violet lets the sentence trail off.

“I’m fine with an open relationship if that's what you're asking.“ She looks back at Violet with raised eyebrows and Violet nods. “I think we’re both able to differentiate a quick fuck from…feelings?“ 

Violet looks at Katya dumbly. She hadn't expected this talk to go down this smoothly and the few times she had actually allowed herself to picture herself in a relationship with Katya that had been her main concern. They were both traveling a lot and they were both extremely sexual people and she had been afraid that that would ultimately cause one of them to cheat and then there they would be again, hurt and not talking. She had always been able to differentiate feelings from quick fucks and even though she knew that Katya was the same it had still scared her to even ask. She had figured that that was what had made the whole Katya thing so confusing from the beginning. She had never been able to detach love from sex when it came to Katya.

Katya let out a light laugh. “I mean at least in 99% of the cases we were able to differentiate. That one time we weren’t, we ended up in a ‘context that might or might not be able to be considered a relationship from some’“ She puts it in air quotes and smirks at Violet, obviously entertained by Violets prior awkwardness. 

Violet feels the heat rising to her cheeks and ends their eye contact to keep herself from blushing even more.

Katya continues to looks at Violet for a moment with a smile on her face and grabs one of her hands to hold between her own. “You’re cute when you blush.“ And Violet looks back at her smiles at her and suddenly it's easy. Violet can’t believe how easy it is now. She moves to straddle Katya and grabs her face to kiss her deeply. 

It’s a kiss not comparable to any other kiss Violet had ever had before in her life and if it feels a bit earth shattering she would never tell.

____

 

"... and then after we were done he wanted to cuddle and I was like 'what are you doing man?'" Katya’s voice sounds from Violet’s phone. 

"That's weird."

"I know right? I don't know what gave him the idea that-"

"No, I meant you. You usually like cuddles after sex,” Violet interrupts her.

"I actually don't. 

Violet furrows her brows. "But-"

"I only like cuddles and all that if I actually really like someone."

And Violet can't suppress the smile. It’s been months since they started dating and things like that shouldn't surprise her anymore but yet, they still make her smile into her phone like a total idiot.

"Oh."

"Speaking of," and Katya must've left the busy street because Violet can her voice more clearly now. "I miss you."

Violet’s smile grows even bigger. "I miss you too."

"No," Violet can hear the smile in Katya's voice. "I miss you like a lot. Like embarrassingly a lot."

Violet lets out a laugh but she feels warm at the thought of Katya missing her just as much. "Me too. It's like hurting my heart and shit, " she says in a joking tone but there's more truth than joking to it. 

It has been weeks since Violet saw Katya in person and she is sick of missing her. 

She misses Katya in the morning, wide awake talking about whatever weird dream she had that night. And she misses Katya in the afternoon, half asleep while sipping on a Red Bull. And she misses Katya in the evening, sitting in front of a mirror and applying red lipstick that will leave marks all over Violet's body later in the night. And she misses Katya in the night, playing with Violet's hair, talking in a voice so soft and words so gentle.

"That's good. That's good," Katya says now, obviously satisfied with Violet's answer.

Violet laughs lightly. "What? You enjoy me suffering now?"

"What can I say, Violet? I'm a sadist," she says jokingly. "Hey, I gotta go now. I'm gonna call you later, okay?"

Violet sighs. "Alright."

"And I'll see you next week," and Violet can hear the smile in Katya's voice again. 

"Can't wait," Violet murmurs quietly.

"Me neither." And Katya's voice sounds so sincere it makes Violet's heart soar. 

___

 

Things were going well, extremely well and Violet found herself smiling like an idiot all day long, earning her weird looks from her friends but she just couldn't stop and the fact that her and Katya were always texting now, even if it was just to tell each other about whatever they had for breakfast that day. But they never spend more than a few days in a row with each other and Violet was slightly anxious for what would happen once they would spend weeks upon weeks together on tour again. Part of her knew that most likely nothing would happen, her and Katya had spent a lot of time on the road together before but never as... a couple. Violet had felt horrible for even proposing the idea of not telling the others but Katya understood, she always understood and Violet was grateful to stay in their bubble for a little while longer. 

Staying in the bubble lasted for about 20 minutes. They were waiting in front of the hotel for Fame who for some reason was the last one to arrive. When she did arrive though, she threw her arms around Katya and Violet and loudly proclaimed how proud she was of them for finally resolving things. Violet mentally cursed herself for not telling Fame to keep her mouth shut but when Fame left the hug Violet noticed that none of the others looked even remotely shocked. 

Courtney was nudging Adores shoulder lightly. "See, I told you so."

Adore rolled her eyes. "Please, we all knew that there was SOMETHING going on."

"What do you mean you all knew?" Violet looked at her with wide eyes while Katya just chuckled lightly and Fame looked between the two of them with a big smile still on her face. 

"Of course we all knew! You're both like... very bad actors," Adore laughed.

"Nono, mama! Don't you dare put me in the same acting category as her," Katya said while pointing at Violet and looking genuinely offended.

"You stare at Violet's ass like ALL the time!" Alaska exclaimed.

Katya threw her hands up in the air. "We all do!"

"It's only because she's always wearing that weird nude string dick pouch thing,“ Jinkx smirked while looking between Katya and Violet.

"I'm like literally right here," Violet grinned.

"Oh who cares how long we've all known! I'm just so happy that you finally figured it all out! This is gonna be great!" Fame wrapped her arms around Katya and Violet again.

Once everyone else had walked into the hotel, Katya turned to Violet with a grin. "Well, that was weird."

Violet let out a sigh while running her fingers through her hair. "At least we don't have to figure out how to break the news anymore."  
___

"Shit, Vi," Katya says while pushing Violet's back against the door and sliding a leg in-between hers. "You're even easier to convince for some backstage hookups now." Katya digs her fingers into Violet's neck roughly while moving her leg against Violet's crotch.

"Stop acting like I'm so easy, I've got standards alright." 

Violet feels Katya chuckle lightly against her neck before trailing upwards with her tongue. "Kind of low standards apparently." And Katya's lips are so close now that they are brushing against Violet's when she talked. She grabs Katya's face and presses their lips onto each other, kissing her hungrily, their tongues meeting in desperation. Violet grinds her crotch against Katya's leg and moves her own between Katya's, feeling her erection through her shorts. She starts to roll her hips lightly, giving them both the friction they desperately crave. Moans were now filling the small room and could probably be heard from the hall but Violet couldn't bring herself to care.

She tears her lips off of Katya's for a moment and locks eyes with her. "Just for the record, I always had high standards." 

Katya strokes some hair out of Violet's face while a small smile creeped its way onto her face. Violet smiles back at her before placing a small kiss on the top of Katya's nose, causing both of them to giggle. She feels Katya's hand move under her shirt, lightly stroking up and down. She looks at Katya for a moment, so beautiful when she laughs and presses her lips back onto hers.  
__

Violet wakes up and immediately notices that it was quiet. Too quiet. She gets out of bed and walks into their kitchen and looks at Katya for a moment. The sun is shining through the window, painting her and the entire kitchen in a golden shimmer.  
She is only in her underwear and Violet can see the muscles in her back move when she reaches into the top shelf to grab a bowl. 

She walks over to Katya and wraps her arms around her, pressing a kiss between her shoulder blades.

"Do you ever think about the fact that we met on a fucking reality TV show?" Violet asks against Katya's skin. They had watched season 11 of Drag Race the night before and seeing the girls in the work room always brought back memories of her own time there.

Katya lets out a light laugh. "What is it with you and always bringing up Drag Race?"

"It's just a weird place to meet your boyfriend at," Violet says while letting her hands move up and down Katya's chest.

Katya spins around in Violet's arms and moves her hands down Violet's back. "There are weirder places to meet."

Violet smiles at her for a moment before kissing her and thinks that life is weird but strangely beautiful sometimes. 

They eat breakfast in bed and talk about everything and nothing. And she loves moments like this. 

And she loves her. She loves her in the morning, wide awake talking about whatever weird dream she had that night. And she loves her in the afternoon, half asleep while sipping on a Red Bull. And she loves her in the evening, sitting in front of a mirror and applying red lipstick that will leave marks all over Violet's body later in the night. And she loves her in the night, playing with Violet's hair, talking in a voice so soft and words so gentle.

 

_________________________________________

Katya is sitting on the couch, across from Violet and looks at her. Really looks at her. Her hair piled on her head into a messy bun, her brows furrowed in frustration while scrolling through this years MET gala looks, her long legs tangled with Katya’s, her ice cold feet uncomfortably leaning against Katya’s thigh.

And she loves her. She loves her in the morning, hair spread around her face on the pillow, eyes closed, a small smile on her face while listening to Katya talk. And she loves her in the afternoon, legs tangled with Katya's on the couch, scrolling on her phone and reading all the celebrities on the red carpet for filth. And she loves her in the evening, looking like an ethereal being dangling from the hoop on the ceiling that will leave small bruises on her legs that she will later whine about to Katya. And she loves her in the night, her hand drawing lazy circles on Katya's naked stomach and her laugh filling Katya's heart and the quiet night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this, I had a blast writing it and this is my baby but it's time to let go now. Leave a comment or love or whatever, reading comments is my favourite thing! xx <3


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